Tattoo and Tenderness

Titles sound better will alliteration, right?  The /t/ just ties it together and makes you ready to read, right?  I have been praying and worrying, don't know which one I have done more of, to understand what God wants out of my trip.  While I don't believe there will ever be a "correct" answer or a time when it will stop affecting the way I live my life, I have come to some pretty clear realizations.

On our second day we had the honor of visiting this Massi hut, which was not big enough for us and the translators and the family so we rotated in.  I was the last one in and when it was my turn the father returned home, far left.  I had no idea what to say or what to do...so I asked how I could pray and I found comfort with strangers who don't speak my language through God.

Praise the Lord!  Bwana Asifiwe!  God has been pressing me to read the book of Daniel, like I mentioned earlier.  I was so struck with the countless times that Daniel refused to "defile" himself for other people, that God was His priority.  In times of impossible situations Daniel leaned on God and prayed first, instead of the "start panic" or freak out I often do.  I think I talked through this in my last post, but I just want to set up the tattoo.

Our last stop before heading out was to this center where we were treated to these beautiful girls singing not to us, but to God...I had the privilege of closing our day out in prayer on this day, something you can't describe.  This was my response.

I really cherished the opportunity to pray for our day and with everyone.  It was awesome!  I would say a line and then Jonah would translate it into Swahili.  I started with "Dear Awesome Heavenly Father" to honor my man Dave, who always starts his prayers that way.  One of my favorite things to do is hear someone pray, you really get to see how they relate to God.  I always learn so much.

Most of my tattoos are covered.  I have Psalm 16:11 with a cross and music note on my right calf, I have a beaten and worn wooden cross on the top of my arm with Matthew 27:46, I have an uppercase and lowercase kindergarten Dd on the back of my left arm and I have a large water piece with a mermaid and four turtles that starts on my left arm and moves over my shoulder:  all covered.  Last year as Ella started kindergarten I started to notice how she was growing up and starting praying on my responsibility and privilege as her father.  I decided it was time to move to a visible area, my forearm.  I had her write her name and had it tattoo on me in pink, the exact way that she wrote it.  I also had Ephesians 6:4 placed underneath....fathers do not exasperate your children, instead train them up in the ways and the learning of the Lord.

Anyways, with every Compassion staff member, child and member of my group I felt more and more convicted to Praise the Lord, no matter what and no matter where I was.  Thus the lion...symbol to remind me of Daniel, Tanzania and that it would not be easy.  Vicious in every way like life so often seems.  Muscular and strong, able to strike fear into hearts and assure me that there is no way I could do this on my own.  Add the words "Praise the Lord" in Swahili, an awesome tattoo artist and a tradition Japanese look to match my water piece and you've got God's message to me where I will never forget it...on my right forearm.  From wrist to past my elbow, it is awesome!

This is my roommate from the trip, John.  He was an amazing man and the perfect roommate.  I am sure he will have his own blog entry from me soon, but his joy and his smile, his resolve for God was amazing!  Natalie said in a pray one morning, "Lord, let us smile for no reason" and it made me think of him.  Love you man!

A birthday gift from my wife and a reminder from God I couldn't have been more excited.  It took 3.5 hours and was REALLY painful in the crease of my elbow but as I lay on the couch at home that night I felt so ready for what God hand planned and that I "had it figured out."

I should have known...you see the thing about me is...
I am flawed, I make mistakes and I DON'T like it!  I want to impress, want to please and want to be the best.  But God doesn't say, come to me when you are perfect and ready, he says to come as your broken self...otherwise what is the point of Christ dying for my sins if I think I can be perfect and be sin free without Him.  My need to try and be perfect has kept me from God through many days of my life and on this day...I spelled Bwana Asifiwe wrong...

On my tattoo I had him write "Bawana" because that is the way I was prouncing it.  Peter tried to get me to say it correctly, but my mouth just wouldn't do it...anyway, my tattoo is spelled wrong.  I laid on the couch holding my Tanzania guide looking at those words and wanting to throw up.  I found myself curled into a ball and feeling beat...the enemy pounced on me like a roaring lion (1 Peter 5:8) and devoured me.  Everything I learned and did on that trip and since then was a joke, it was a typo...just like always I was a joke...I shook and shut down.  What now?  I emailed my tattoo guy in a panic hoping there was some way to fix it before telling anyone...then my tenderness set in; my wife and precious council from God.

We laid there in bed and she spoke God's words to me, she spoke His comfort, His wisdom and His love.  She told me that God doesn't want me perfect, hiding my flaws, typos and mistakes.  That if I am going to Praise the Lord that I do it when things are perfect and in the darkest times, when I am full of mistakes He still wants me calling to Him and trying to live His word.  If I make mistakes in the process it doesn't mean I run from Him.  She asked me to keep it...that it meant more with the mistake because it represents so much more of me, with that mistake in it...big and bold, right in front of everyone. 

When I woke the next morning I prayed and I know my wife prayed for me because I felt a comfort and a love again for the gift God had given me in Tanzania, on my arm and in my house.  I made the decision to love it even more because it is even more of what God wants me to be, and even more of a reminder of my need for Him.  Oddly enough, when I showed it to everyone at church the two people who read Swahili didn't notice (or didn't say anything).  Isn't that how it always is with our sins and our mistakes, we think that because of them we should stay away and hide but in reality people will love and embrace us anyway, sometimes not even noticing the flaw that you could barely stand about yourself.

After church I got an e-mail back from my tattoo guy that said I could come back to the shop and he would hit it with peroxide and then as it healed I would be able to pick it out...then we could redo the banner and the words correctly.  It had to be done that day before the ink set in, but I decided to keep it.

That day at church Natalie sang Bones, a song that she sings lead on and a song that we all love.  It brings me to tears to hear her voice sing, "Oh, Jesus, Oh Jesus, alive in me..." Everyone adores the song, when she sings it but she...hates it.  The song is really low and a struggle for her, she thinks it sounds awful and she always tries to get out of it.  Not a chance!

She is my tender gift from God, my council, my support, my anchor to bring me closer and closer to Him.  As I grow closer to the Lord I grow closer to her, I long to touch her, hold her, hear her sing, listen to her pray and just be in her prescense.  God is Good!

This is the picture she sent me from the van right before I got on the plane.  I can see her trying so hard to smile, but there being just that bit of worry in her face.  One of my favorite things that we do is send each other pictures of ourselves, love the iphone...I am not too fond of taking pictures of myself but I love getting one from her...I have them all saved in a folder.

Bawana Asifiwe!  or is it Bwana Asifiwe!